E-PANTO?: OLD BILL AND BIG SWINGING DICK

Mulling over some plebeian baked beans, laced with chili sauce, I had to acknowledge that my earlier post had all the right ingredients for a new E-Pantomime, as the following synopsis demonstrates:

The Government Chief Whip, erstwhile patron of international development and friend of the global poor - rather like the Big Clunking Fist in fact - has his lunch-time curry spiked by a Tory anarchist, and later that day transforms into "Big Swinging Dick". Asked to use the pedestrian gate, the bicycling minister insults some Downing Street police officers, who then log his deprecations and their account of the incident appears on the front page of a national tabloid.

In the meantime, the minister has resumed his normal persona and has little or no re-collection of the previous day's outburst, but apologises anyway. However, this is not the end of the matter. The shadow High Sheriff of England, the Honorable Mrs Cooper-Balls, is determined to have the minister publicly humiliated for using classist language in the presence of serving police officers. Now gentlemen of both the tabloid and broadsheet press smell blood and a hunt for BSD ensues.

The story then takes on a life of its own as the narrative of "Old Bill and Big Swinging Dick", in which various honest plods take on the dastardly member until order is restored by the civil service.

PLEBS AT THE GATE AND NEW CLASS POLITICS

On one level, I don't know whether to read the "Plebgate" story as a sense of humour failure on the parts of a government minister and the diplomatic police, or a comedy worthy of the Carry On Team.

Mr Andrew Mitchell, or so it is reported, likes to be known as a "Big Swinging D..k", but on this occasion seems to have behaved like a stupid pr..k. So why didn't the police officer in question caution the minister for bad behaviour at the time of the temper tantrum?

Instead, "Plebgate" was written down in the officer's log-book, and then later on the front page of The Sun newspaper. I'm not clear how the story was procured by News International, but I hope that on this occasion the police weren't paid for it.

Enter left Yvette Cooper, shadow Home Secretary, to demand an inquiry which the Cabinet Secretary has declined. Thank goodness, because even morons have more important things to think about!

DROP THE DEAD DONKEY

Checking out two news stories on the Telegraph website yesterday, both on the subject of "drops" - the ongoing drop in house prices and a "surprise drop" in consumer spending - I soon found the "Comments" more interesting than the main articles; and particularly this advice from "Jacqui" quoting "Descartes, Discourses on Method": "Accept nothing as true, unless clearly recognised as such." My sentiments exactly !

The "Discourses" revealed that most people weren't at all surprised by the drop in consumer spending, and nor apparently were "the markets" whom the Financial Times report, quoting one lunching - albeit at his desk these days - stockbroker "only respond to surprises". What does "The Old Lady of Threadneedle Street" make of these imprudent hussies of today's markets I wonder, when they can't even register a drop in the sales of lingerie ?

Nevertheless, the price of lingerie has undoubtedly come down in recent years, almost certainly an achievement for "The Spender of Last Resort": to quote another commentator called, I think, "Princesschipchops" (surely the pseudonym of a female impersonator !). My guess is that house prices will follow a similar downwards trend, a bit like those pants that barely covers the buttocks, and which the young seem to favour and the middle aged and over to revile.

If some readers wish to deduce from the above account that I think the bottom may yet fall out of the housing market, please feel free to do so. My own guess is that there are some within the present Government who would like to see a further downward adjustment in property prices, and others who would not: a political reflection for once of the position of wider society. In the meantime, "The Old Lady" should surpise the bankers by witholding money from their hussies.

NEW SPECIAL RELATIONSHIPS

The Former US & UK Defence Secretaries
For some time I've been reflecting on another E-Pantomime called "New Special Relationships" whose synopsis runs something like this ....

The British Commonwealth and the Commonwealth of Independent States (ie former Soviet Union countries) have merged to form an Anglo-Russian Commonwealth (ARC), whose prime minister is Boris Johnson. Vladimir Putin has been declared the "New Tsar", and the old British royal family have been exiled to Australia. Peter Mandelson has entered into a civil partnership with a Russian oligarch, and Ken Livingstone is the new Mayor of Moscow...

In the meantime, Gordon Brown has invoked "A New Cold War" - Good Timing Again Gord ! - which might have something to do with Britain's growing dependence on Russian energy supplies, and Geoff Hoon has embarked upon a failed coup at home. Now Hoon is described as inconsequential by his former comrades in the Cabinet, but wasn't this the man who as former Secretary of State for Defence helped lead Britain into the Iraq War ? In fact, isn't he due to give evidence to The Iraq Inquiry, along with former Prime Minister Tony Blair ?

Given the leadership problems, past and present, of New Labour and the need for a new politics of pluralism in Britain, might I suggest the following political strategy to the Liberal-Democrats in the run-up to the General Election :

1. A Partnership with Labour in which Vince Cable is identified as Leader
2. A Partnership with the Conservatives in which Vince is prospective Chancellor

This is the kind of new special relationship we need on the domestic front, and there's nothing like a cold, clear snowy day for some blue sky thinking.

PHYSICIANS HEAL THYSELVES !

Having been quite unwell over the Summer myself - with an illness for which Swine Flu seems to have been in part the catalyst - I have some rare sympathy for Gordon Brown, if reports of his need for pain killers and anti-depressants are true, and, indeed, it they are not. For I also happen to disapprove of the over-prescribing of legal drugs, of which the recent sad death of Michael Jackson is a cautionary tale.

Therefore, notwithstanding my considerable discomfort, I was actually glad to have a taste of my own medicine when refused drugs on the grounds that these might make the condition worse. I am now largely recovered, and, I have to say, the Pantomime of the New Labour Conference seems to be just what the doctor should have ordered to cheer me up !

Enter the gloriously camp Peter Mandelson with his description of Conservative Party Leader David Cameron as a "flibbertigibbet" ("A silly, scatterbrained, or garrulous person" for those of you who didn't know). What a wonderfully appropriate term for the Pantomime Dame himself : aka former Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott. Might I suggest that "Flibbertigibbet" would be an excellent name for Mr Prescott's much-hailed blog !

Returning to serious matters, I strongly suspect that 12 years of New Labour Misrule has also been a contributory factor in my own recent disposition. Therefore, I'm going to suggest to Mr Brown and his colleagues that the well-being of us all - socially inclusive, that is - should improve once they leave office. Physicians Heal Thyselves & Things Can Only Get Better !

The Balls of St Trinians ?

I see that the well-known educational institution of St Trinians has received a cinematic revamp. In the light of recent government announcements, perhaps a sequel called "The Balls of St Trinians" is called for. It's time these New Labour types were treated with the laughter and derision they merit. Do I feel another seasonal e-pantomime approaching ?